}DIS{ - |HARMONIE|; malaise à liminality à gratification



burning bridges on the meadow


the absent figure

lento con gran espressione

the digital dolt

you | you’re | your

dempsey hill

typing: clicks and

the hipster’s guide to café hopping

memory lane

our last embrace



hand outreached,

eyes open,

whisper in ear,                                    


started with one–


her lips on mine

           …kissing back,

                               too much…







chest strained,

lust pervades.                                         









fingers stained,

eyes closed,

silence in ear,

                                                                … one last puff,

ended with none                                                                   

burning bridges on the meadow


my mind started spiralling out of control

since i saw your rosy red lips mid-day.

on saturday, i really wanted you to go.


but wait! before you leave, i need you to know

about the fact that we danced the night away;

my dazed mind was spiralling out of control.


why did you hold my hand? what did you want to show?

your lack of reasoning left me at bay.

i knew, then, that i wanted you to go.


“yes,” you yawned. you stood still in the meadows.

you gazed at me; your tired lips drooped in dismay.

my mind already spiralled out of control.


you stopped then. you hit me. from the afterglow

of your body. you weren’t going to stay.

i knew right then and there that you had to go.


your great blow left me sore from head to toe

and soon i figured out that you weren’t my bae;

my mind and body spiralling out of control.

since saturday, i found out you were a no-go.



the feeling of deletion from another’s life

the feeling of longing for the past

the feeling of despair from loss

the loss of feeling


when i watched you suffer in agony

without knowing of your suffering

i find myself lost for words, thoughts

and emotions–but sadness and regret


the first time i met you

i knew we would be best friends–

your charm, charisma, and character

made those around you love you


the time i told you we were assigned the same suite

over facebook, we celebrated–

you asked if i played poker

i lied and said, “yes, i do”


the time you invited me to play poker

i had no idea what was going on

but you taught me the ins and outs of the game–

i was more than happy to learn from you


the time you joked about dropping out

we both laughed. little did i know

you were serious–

we never talked about it again


the time you didn’t want to have roasted barbeque

i agreed to eat at the food court–

you ordered my suggestion, shrimp fried rice–

i won


the time you told me about your girl issues

i shared with you my very own. who

knew you would take what i said to heart–

the instant i revealed my thoughts, i lost


the time you challenged me one on one

on court. i laughed, thinking you couldn’t play for shit

you beat me eleven to seven–

i lost once again


the suite felt empty one day–

you disappeared off the face of this planet

you found happiness

you left me in the dark


i saw you last weekend–

you refused my eye contact

you rejoiced with others

you left the system





as you left




no warning




no apologies


you left when i suffered most

you left when i had no direction in life

you left when i was most vulnerable–

you were my big brother



now, i question what i’m doing here

if my ex-role model (22 years young)

refuses to live twenty-five minutes

away from home


what am i doing an ocean away

from the people i love most

what am i doing in a country

that represses my personality


can you imagine, just for one second

what it’s like for a nineteen year old

to spend time in what you now call ‘hell’

because i do

the absent figure


i cried; yet

you never listened


what kind of person do you want me to be?



certainly not like you

whose presence in my life was simply a mirage–

disappearing as i chased, nearly

impossible to attain–

giving up

after your shadow







…and benumbed    



i prayed

you never heard


i lost

you never cherished



forget to live life

retreat to room

look in the mirror

see a monster

cry, pass out, wake up,

rinse…                                                             repeat



refuse to move and

cannot see the point of life


be right back,

must drown to breathe 

lento con gran espressione



i play chopin.

the heat from my fingers

radiate onto cold ivory keys. hammers


slam down onto strings

producing chaos, competing

with heavy raindrops. chords

discordant. scales


rambunctious. ornaments

bludgeoned. cadence

destroyed. clearly,

music i do not do, as chopin sluggishly



over in his grave-

the digital dolt


always the first

to include her

in my facebook posts,

became the second

to follow

her on instagram

maintained third comment

on her daily

tumblr re-blogs

fourth to share

her posts

with my friends

last to care in real life

never said “hello”

always a cold shoulder

you | you’re | your


sun-kissed skin, glossy

from the past three thousand

thirty-three seconds


telling me your

“loins are

on fire,” ambitiously


nudging me onto

your parents’

freshly-made bed




at first



please pet








take me

or die”



fumes fornicate in

the air before forcing

entry into nostrils


eyes heavy, your

ear on my chest, our

fingers intertwined


mouth slightly ajar, your

lips numb, your

tongue sore


continue 'til

numbness subsides. maybe

pain will take over

demspey hill


take cab

be there soon

pick spot, you don’t know

see where conversations go


shaking, in my bones

don’t go out anymore

you seem damn composed

see where conversations go


weather’s pretty nice

twenty questions, tonight

playful little fights

whisky in stomach, just right


guess he wasn’t good to you

sorry, he played you for a fool

something i’d never do

did i mention you’re looking pretty cute


bar’s closing, don’t want to leave

had great time, surprisingly

oh, you feel the same i hope

see where conversations go


weather’s nice

walk along riverside

hold hand in mine

unison, step in time


moon said goodbye

eyes feeling heavy

before we go, missed one thing

end with a perfect kiss


weather’s pretty nice

moment couldn’t feel more right

wish i had one more night

just like that, fade away


half way around the world.

flying back to what i call home

just got back, here we go

in another place, all alone


bartender make me whiskey

this girl, make her something sweet

says let’s go, sit still

thinking about dempsey hill

typing: clicks and


clacking of fingers–

a distinct melody that lingers


children and adults alike

take part in this music-making unlike

that of any other


each keystroke becomes smoother

as fingers swiftly run across keyboards


making distinct chords

and creating music

becomes therapeutic


drift into the deepest abyss

of bliss

the hipster’s guide to café hopping



                        bukit timah     


date & time:

saturday before nineteenth birthday; arrive when the sun is at 45° from the horizon



white dress shirt, suspenders, skinny khakis, red leather belt, funny socks, loafers, pseudo-glasses, and messenger bag


things to bring:

iphone 6s+, film camera, leather-case notebook, feather-pen, broken t-bone, and ernest hemingway’s the sun also rises



                        1) take 196 to buona vista

                        2) ride train to beauty world

                        3) wander aimlessly until sufficiently lost

                        4) talk to strangers

                        5) enter respective coffee shop           



§  talk to baristas and get their numbers (on receipt paper)

§  act cultured by adding unnecessary french and italian phrases

§  look intelligent by faking eureka moments

§  drink a cappuccino in the morning

§  drink a flat white or long black in the afternoon

§  drink a decaf café latte in the evening



this is how we met,

in the midst of your desperate cries–

your shifty glances indicated

vetted interest


later that afternoon,

i became your stallion

by carrying you

through the

humid plains of

bukit timah

memory lane


were i to dream

i would of you


your eyes gleam

as mine do too, but

no longer mine is you


today, i watch from afar

reliving our best


tomorrow, we will meet

after mistakes are forgiven

and joys remain

our last embrace


my eyes are your eyes

where my gaze is caught

by your heavy eyelashes

wheeling me in closer


my nose is your nose

where my apex

fits snugly into your nadir, an

unspoilt yin to my yang


my mouth is your mouth

where my lips and tongue

waltz in your grand ballroom

roping me in deeper



good to know

this is the end